Please be patient, the Lord has been bugging me to
get this down, and it was time to "get 'er done".
Every time I see a marriage or family suffering, I
want to so badly to help them "fix it". I mean it's just what we women love to do -
fix things and make everything all right.
The best way I can help a fellow struggling sister (or brother), is to
share with her what the Lord has taught me - and hope/trust that she will ask
God to speak to her heart and help her correct those things He is trying to
speak to her. I truly am my own worst
enemy in being honest with myself so this scripture is so key so often:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and
know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way
everlasting." Psalm 139.
So, this is my story to the road to healing my
marriage from "strife" and my life from a boat-load of stress.
When JeJe and I first married - we had never had an
argument. We soon found just how
passionate, argumentative, and stubborn each of us was. We had both grown up in harsh worlds of
reality; his parents separated when he was just 3 months old, they would
divorce that year, and he would be raised by his grandparents - then his aunt
and uncle, after his grandfather passed when he was 7. I was raised by a loving Christian mother,
but forced to be very independent quickly as I had to come home from school to
an empty house (she worked to support us) - starting at the age of 8 years
old. My father was an alcoholic, loved
to gamble and spend time away from our home and away from his job. I soon grew to enjoy his being away from our
house; he was often violent and mean - and our home was peaceful when he wasn't
there. This brought on many trust issues
for me in life; things I am still being made aware of/allowing the Lord to
heal/change; specifically, my responses and defenses in new relationships and
ongoing ones. I am thankful for the
Lord's constant sanctification in our lives and His never giving up on us.
I brought these fears and mistrusts into our
marriage. I was older than JeJe by a
handful of years (ok, a little more than that ;o))), I had a better education,
grew up in a big city - was fast on my feet (street smart); and, let's face it,
I thought I could do better or knew better in most circumstances. I respected him, or so I told myself; but my
responses to various situations would dictate otherwise. Was I really letting him lead? Was I really honoring and respecting him in
submission to his God-given authority (I really dont like the word
"obey" but submit would be the only other really good definition and
they are the words used in scripture telling us our role to our husbands;
unless our husbands are asking us to sin against God - that's the only time we
are to deviate from that plan, it's God's plan.
When we submit to our husbands, we submit to Christ; if we can't submit
to our husbands, we will never submit to any authority - especially Christ
(ouch!)
"Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also
Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" Ephesians 5:22-24
Our first 5 years of marriage were here in
Romania. It was JeJe's culture and so he
handled our financial dealings and budget.
Everything went very smoothly in that area of our marriage. Then we moved to the U.S. JeJe started working 40-80 hours a week. He needed me to handle the finances, pay
bills, write checks, take care of banking, etc.
I was over the finances & completely running the house on my own. I soon started to work and decided that I had
complete/sole authority as to how/where/when the finances were spent.
Until one day, JeJe came home from work to tell me
that he was not satisfied with our lifestyle.
He missed serving God and someone had asked him that week "How much
money do you need for it to be enough?".
That caused him to stop and consider things...there was no amount of
money that brought him the happiness that serving God and being in fellowship
with him brought. He told me that he was
praying for God to do a change in us. I
thought to myself "don't pray that!".
After all, we were going on vacation to Hawaii in a month, we both drove
nice cars, owned a home, and provided good things for our children. Who wants
to change that? I think I feared more
what might come...and that might mean my giving up control.
That night, God spoke to my heart as I went to bed
in the stillness of the night:
"Coleen, how much is enough?".
He had my attention. He had been
trying to get it for quite a number of months, but I was too busy to hear his
voice any more. We had been thru a
leukemia testing/scare with James and I had been called in for an extensive
biopsy just a month or so before. Was I
not grateful my sons' test came back just revealing a serious allergy? Was I not happy to have my health and an amazing
husband who loved God? I told the Lord
that night "Thank You for all I have. Forgive my ungrateful/unsatisfied
heart. You are enough for me God.".
But that was just the beginning. Within a month, the real estate market would
crash and all the sitting/waiting deals I had would fall right through my
fingers (I was a sales/buying agent). We
would sell our home to get out from the payment, move to a smaller home to
consolidate and get our bills paid...until one night my fight for control would
come to a crashing end....
JeJe asked me for the checkbook, and control of the
finances....A very brave man was he. I
was so upset. We had both just listened
to a couple of really good sermons on financial responsibility Charles Stanley
and Andy Stanley. JeJe had a plan of
action, and it started with taking the leadership of our home back into his
authority. It meant he would be calling
the shots with the finances, and decisions would be discussed but he would be
making the final call on them. I fought
him so badly on this....to the point that he left the house to go be alone with
God, and allow God to deal with me. He
did. Was I a hearer of the Word only and
not a do-er? Did I really want to fight/disobey
God by disobeying JeJe? Because when we
go out of God's authority for us as wives - that is what we are saying to
Him: "God, I got this, my plans are
way better than yours".
JeJe came home a couple of hours later, and told me
that I had been carrying the weight/stress of running things - yes, he even
apologized for not taking control sooner - he stated that things were not
working well with the finances, and that he would be taking responsibility for
all of it. He was right, all that
striving I was feeling was because I was out of God's plans for me as a wife
and not submitting to my husband's authority & decision making (Ephesians 5). Now, let me just tell you - my husband values
greatly my insight and my two cents on just about everything. He listens to what I have to say (He knows
God has given me gifts to bless him); we pray together, and there are times
when one of us feels strongly about something - so we wait and pray more. We do not make decisions when we are divided,
and there have been a couple of times where I didn't really have an opinion 'yea'
or 'nay', even after praying, so God told me "just let him make this
decision" and that's that.
JeJe created a budget, gave me weekly funds (learned
to write checks ;o))) - within a few months our bills were paid, we had a
savings, we were faithfully tithe-ing the exact amounts God told us to - in
faith - regardless of bills sitting there; and, you know what? He increased it all, over and over and over
again. There was a moment of having to borrow from our kids piggy banks for a
tank of gas (so bills could get paid), but He would faithfully bring increase
based on our obedience - especially with titheing and giving where He asked.
btw - the kids got their money back first thing.
We still live on a budget - we stick to our budget -
and our giving and God brings the increase when needed.
Why, oh why, did I think my plan was better?
Why, oh why, did I doubt God's promises? After all, HE owns the cattle on a thousand
hills ! Psalm 50:10
Honestly, it was because I had a problem with
trust. Trusting JeJe, trusting God; and
once I confessed this to the Lord, and asked for His help in healing this area
- He was faithful...as usual.
"I
have been young, and now am old;
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread.
He is ever merciful, and lends;
And his descendants are blessed." Psalm 37:25-26
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread.
He is ever merciful, and lends;
And his descendants are blessed." Psalm 37:25-26
My prayer:
that I (we) never step out of His plan/design that is so clearly laid
out for us in His Word. That's why
"His Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path" Psalm
119:105 and Proverbs 3:5-6 is key - NEVER, EVER trust your own understanding;
get into God's presences and ask Him to speak His Truth into the situation.
**my mind is my own worst enemy!*
Best
part of this:
A couple of years ago, my daughter and I were discussing an exchange we
had witnessed with a married couple, where the wife had totally humiliated the
husband by making him to feel "dumb" in front of a crowd of people
(oh, I have been guilty there too; we have to repent and ask the Lord to help
us get rid of that old stronghold - sometimes repeatedly - as often as it takes
- trust me, you will see a change take place).
Elli brought it up in conversation to me a few days
later, and I told her "Please don't ever disrespect your husband like
that; because that is dishonoring to God and His plans for marriage, and I love
you and want you to be blessed in your marriage, and I really don't want to
have to correct you.". She replied
to me, "Don't worry Mommy, I see how much your submitting to Daddy and
letting him lead has been a blessing for you and Dad, and relieved you of
stress; I know that's because you are following God's design."
That's when I had to turn around and hide my
tears....THANK YOU LORD !
Our children are watching and learning from our
examples...and don't we all want them to lead great lives, FULLY blessed by the
Lord? We need to stay honest before God
and continually allow His cleansing sanctification in our lives, so our bad
choices/habits aren't passed onto our children.
Submit to your husbands and you are submitting to
God, and watch Him bless your marriage and home!
Husbands, take Godly authority in your homes, and watch
Him bless your marriage and home!
Psalm 25
